Read on to the end for many peterrific puns, as well as:

• You Are Peter Shorts: A ‘BM-coded’ game that makes a fighting game out of a Metroidvania;
• Competitive Petering: What you need to know in case someone rocks your local with their sick nasty Peter Shorts skills;
• My Petier list, because of course I had to make one.

A friend of mind said to me, “Honestly, BM? This looks like a Metroidvania you would make.” Call it the jargon de jour for things we just vibe with – a “BM-coded game;” doppelganger of my essence, it captures my predisposition to fighting games, strange little guys, and indie games with hand-drawn pixel art:

https://store.steampowered.com/app/2352640/You_are_Peter_Shorts

https://ondydev.itch.io/you-are-peter-shorts

But I didn’t make it. Ondydev did. They didn’t make it for me. And at the same time, maybe they did, because as far as I’m aware, my first name is now ‘Peter Shorts.’ Or are we all Peter Shorts? Maybe the real Peter Shorts was the Peters we made along the way…

We’ve found our Pink Guy for this decade¹. The competition was tough, but Peter Shorts ekes out a win (and by eke I mean it’s a #SHORTSSURGE). He’s like Kirby if you gave him legs, kicks, and a moustache; Berserk’s Schnoz with shorts (and a moustache). Be under no illusion – this is what peak performance looks like:

Peter just wants to grill and chill. Food, shelter and freedom from persecution – simple human rights. Simple goals, has our Peter. As a British person, currently living through a seismic political shift, I fully sympathise. The urge to go back to grilling is immense.

Oh, sorry, I completely forgot: Dr. Von Schnabel doesn’t consent to that. “No human rights, please,” says he, “I’m a mad scientist.”² He, too, has got simple goals: capture Peter, experiment on him, and use his DNA to create an army of cheap, dispensable super soldiers. When you think about it, keeping people out of the military is a net positive for life, isn’t it? Mutants don’t have human rights. Maybe we should just let Von get on with it… What difference would one Peter Shorts make?

Forget that. You squeeze the wee man, the wee man squeezes back. Thought you could push Peter around ‘cos he’s got no arms? Guess again, nerd! This is the first Metroidvania I’ve played where you can juggle clones with what is essentially an homage to Falco’s up tilt from Melee:

It’s Metroid meets Smash Bros. meets beat-em-ups. And there’s a wee bit of Mega Man in there for good measure. Peter’s moves, his multiple forms, as well as his floaty mobility, feels very satisfying to control, and the potential for combos eliminates tedious combat. By the same token, if you get hit, you’ve always got a chance to recover – press jump near a wall, and you’ll tech, rebounding with a brief period of invincibility so you can get back into the action.

As is the standard fare for Metroidvanias, the adventure is divided into six areas to explore. It’s not just going from room to room, though. Kick open a vent, and oftentimes when you go through there’s a new area to explore. For a top-secret military facility, this place is like an Area 51 that took a funny turn, and became America’s own Scotland’s Secret Bunker:

https://secretbunker.co.uk

The garden of peden has a section where you have to fight wind currents whilst also traversing a maze of vents. It’s not required to explore if you don’t want to go for 100%; I found it somewhat tedious to get through. At least there’s a minimap on the pause menu…

Waiting for you behind shuttered rooms within the artillery storage, cryogenic freezer, garden of peden and wind facility are Von’s most successful experiments – the Boss Peters. Beat them in a Peter-on-Peter cage match, and you can use their powers for yourself.

This next clip should do Fire Peter some justice. It’s absolutely worth pointing out that the only Metroidvania you can flowchart Ken your enemies to death in is You Are Peter Shorts:

https://knowyourmeme.com/memes/flowchart-ken

The music, as you’ll have heard in sample-form from my clips, slaps:

https://ondydev.bandcamp.com/album/you-are-peter-shorts-ost

The weapon storage has this snare underpinning the entire track, like an army march or the constant and consistent whirring of cogs. Whatever’s in the garden of peden, it’s thriving (and conspiring to cause problems on purpose); in the prison’s ambience, there’s always something going on down a dark corridor, and you’re not sure if you’re supposed to hear a pin drop; these are a few examples, but I could go on.

Once you’ve beaten the four Boss Peters, you travel back near to where you started and enter a vent that takes you to Von’s lab, the final area of the game. Here, you’ll have to test your knowledge of Peter’s forms, as well as the game’s physics, to dodge obstacles and line up lit bombs to blow open paths. The enemies and arenas here are no jokes, either. There’s plenty of instakill spikes from the days of yore to go around.

Suffice it to say the combat elements really made this game for me. I felt that the balance between combat and exploration was just right enough to keep me coming back. I didn’t think much of the story’s premise much, but over time, through reading the data on disks scattered through the facility, this little world came into its own; I wanted to free the Peters.

I’m indifferent to how long a game is so long as it’s paced well, so the fact I 100%’d my first file in one sitting doesn’t really bother me. If you want replay value, there’s two extra game modes for you to explore. Peter’s Dream is a proper arcade experience, where the goal is to survive waves of enemies for as long as possible:

Or, if that’s not your thing, grab a friend and duke it out with them in Peter Brawl. All Peters, including enemies, and even the final boss are available to use (you’ll need to unlock them from the Gacha-Pete first, though).

This is where your Peter’s moveset really comes alive, as you think of combos that’ll shake ’em down as hard as possible. Juggling’s the name of the game; hitstun can only be escaped by teching or hitting the ground, so the longer you keep your opponent airborne, the more damage you can squeeze out.

The only grievance I have with this mode is that it’s local co-op only. I know that’s asking for something that isn’t essential to the rest of the game’s design – it is, after all, meant to be primarily a single-player experience first. I’m just saying that if this game had online multiplayer, I would fight to become the world’s best Peter Shorts player. I guess it’s nothing that Parsec couldn’t solve (although those I know who’d take competitive Petering seriously are RDP-averse).

That said, I’d like to end this post with some technical notes I’ve taken, and a lightning round of what all the Peters do. If anyone shares the desire with me to get a little competitive Peter Shorts scene up and running, please let me know!

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Competitive Petering 101 (link)

A non-exhaustive list of things to know:

• The game runs at 60fps, so one frame is 1/60th of a second, or 16.67ms. As far as we can perceive, rounding up or down doesn’t make a huge difference, though I think rounding down is preferred.
• Crouching takes 5 frames, after which time you are in Peter’s block state. While blocking, you’ll take 1 less damage from all attacks.
  • You can’t hold down forever, though – after about 3 seconds, you’ll automatically parry and re-enter your crouching state (blocking, again, takes 5 frames)
• Parry state begins the moment you release down on your D-Pad. The parry window lasts for 8 frames with an additional 9th frame where you’ll guard instead.
• There’s very little blockstun in this game; most aerials, however, will push you back a fair distance. On the other hand, if your opponent doesn’t space their attacks correctly, you can almost always grab them after blocking.
• You can perform a rising up tilt or grab by pressing JUMP immediately you do the inputs for up tilt or grab. The window to do this seems to be 4 frames.
• Grounded momentum is transferred to your aerial momentum when you jump. With the previous bullet point, a rising grab out of a run makes for a kind of pseudo dash-grab.
• If the player fails to tech three times in a row, they will be invincible IMMEDIATELY when they hit the ground (they flash and the message ‘GET UP!’ is displayed).
• Projectiles can be redirected with windboxes. (Tornado Peter, Karate Peter)
• Neutral – as far as I can tell – involves a lot crouching and mixing up. On the ground, you can do any aerial or rising grab out of guarding by jumping; these options are not available to you on a platform, as pressing jump causes you to fall through. So guarding on a platform is a bit riskier.

Lightning Round: Peters in a Nutshell (link)

Peter Shorts

Peter’s frame data:

• Ground attack/jab: 10f startup, 11f-23f. Short-range meaty?
• Grounded up attack: 6f startup, 7f-12f. decent antiair
• Neutral aerial: 9f startup, 10f-33f.
• Up aerial: 9f startup, 10f-15f.
• Down aerial: 16f startup, 17f-24f. Stomp on em
• Grab: 9f startup, 10f-11f. Move the D-Pad in a direction to influence where they’re going to go. UP is best for juggling. DOWN is pretty hard to tech. NB: to grab, you must press and hold DOWN and THEN press ATTACK. If you parry, you’ve let go of DOWN. If you jab, you pressed ATTACK before DOWN.

Middle-of-the-road, but unlike modern fighting games where that means ‘high/top tier,’ Peter’s just… average. It’s possible to combo a rising Utilt into an Uair, but the spacing/timing is tricky.

Bird Peter

If you hit up tilt, you win. This move is a juggle MACHINE. Multiple jumps and a disjointed multihit down aerial makes for good camping. Charging your jab gives you a lot of momentum – could be useful as a burst option?

Elec Peter

A small, projectile-spamming creature with an affinity for electricity. Where have I seen a fighting game character like that before? Force your opponent to block by spamming as many projectiles as possible; if they try to do anything other than blocking, that’s when you intercept with – wait for it – another projectile. Or your Nair/Utilt. Against Elec Peter, most of his moves deal 1 damage, so blocking is key.

Fire Peter

Like Elec Peter, you can control space by using your fireball, but it’s noticeably easier to parry. Your Utilt is a combo finisher and not something to throw out in neutral nonchalantly; Dair is useful to close the distance between you and your opponent, and his Nair, likewise, gives him a lot of forward momentum; fire deals an additional point of damage and forces techs.

Ice Peter

Your projectiles double as platforms which might throw an opponent off. There’s probably a lot of ways you could combo with them but I’m not smart enough to figure it out. Dair and Utilt freeze your opponents, which (to the best of my knowlege) is untechable if you don’t hold a button to break out of it; rising up tilt can combo into Uair for a juggle.

Wind Peter

Zone breaker who can redirect projectiles using his tornadoes. They can also force your opponent into the air, meaning they can’t block; unfortunately, most of your moves are beaten by blocking. Nair, your best attack, rises and falls depending on how long you hold/mash the attack button, and it RELIES on your opponent being in the air. Out of all of Peter’s main forms, this one’s the most gimmicky.

Karate-Pants Peter

Has a forward air, as well as two specials that can be accessed by doing a quarter-circle input. The grounded special shoots out a tornado, which is great for redirecting projectiles; the aerial special shots a fireball that can be angled. A three-hit jab lets you throw out hitboxes in quick succession, but if your opponent blocks, they can safely grab you out of any hit. A lot of juggle potential (and thus damage) but you need to read and space your moves well.

Moai Peter

Slow zoner with a 5 damage Nair (the highest in the game) which is the only attack that covers his body.. Laser projectile has a lot of startup, but can be angled. If they parry you, parry them back.

Baby Peter

A slightly skinnier version of Peter Shorts with blink-and-you’ll-miss-it hitboxes. Lacking in every department. He’s shit, Jim.

Bat Peter

Uair gives you a burst of upwards momentum which could be useful for stalling. Unfortunately, like Baby Peter, Bat doesn’t have any hitboxes which are active for a long time. Utilt is a multihit which is nice, I guess?

Tigeter

Your grounded attack forces you into the air, but it does good pushback on block and does a lot of chip. Slow acceleration, but is noticeably faster than other Peters at top speed. Not sure what to make of him. Seems too easy to harass with combos.

Sneeter

This guy’s only purpose in the main game is to teach you when to grab. It’s as true here. And he’s not very good at it.

Lizard Peter

The first enemy Peter with something cooking. Your ground attack is a fireball like Fire Peter, and Utilt is a huge (if brief) antiair; that said, if you do commit to jumping, you’d better hope your Dair hits, as it’s your best landing option and it’s slow.

Alpaca Peter

Spits fire directly in front of itself to keep opponents out. It lingers for a second or two, so an approaching foe has to jump over. Nair’s big enough that it might be safe on parry (don’t quote me on that though).

Peter Shirts

Jab’s a great poke, but the rest of your moves are a bit lacklustre. Utilt has too much recovery for my liking.

Fat Peter

Fat Peter lives to charge his ground attack, it’s his daily medicine, his weekly energy, his monthly inspiration and his yearly motivation. Your incorrect guess on the mixup is the only reason he’s still alive.

Rabbit Peter

Main gimmick is tossing around eggs that your opponents HAVE to block. Your moves are designed to do this more than they are to actually hit opponents. Too much setup for not nearly enough reward, I feel.

Propeller Peter

Low jumps, agile air movement, and a multihit Dair that can combo into itself? Yes please! Propeller is an incredibly evasive Peter that hovers near an opponent, waiting for them to make a mistake. If you’ve played Smash, think of Jigglypuff or Wario without a comeback mechanic. He might have some trouble dealing with blocking, as his grab is so short, you pretty much have to be inside an opponent’s hurtbox to pull it off.

Sigma Peter

Hitboxes are huge, and so are you; advantage state seems good on paper, though seems to fold completely to characters with projectiles. Like Karate Peter, also has a forward air.

Dragon Peter

Multiple jumps and a high-profiling fireball that you can angle dowards to deter an approach. Uair is completely useless outside of maybe juggling.

Frog Peter

Annoying little bastard. Candidate for the largest hurtbox:hitbox disparity. Though the hitboxes be big and long, they’re not very active. Most of Frog’s moves deal 2 damage or more, so with good spacing you’ll be dealing a lot of chip damage with impunity.

Mecha Peter

Slow grab and slow, meandering projectile that’s easy to parry (you use these things as PLATFORMS in the main game) and easy to low-profile. Main gimmick is that when you’re down to 1HP, the mech explodes and you change to Baby Peter. You might have something cooking by riding on top of your missiles, but otherwise, I’m afraid Mecha Peter’s shit.

Beetle Peter

I feel like there’s something cooking with Beetle, and at the same time there’s nothing this guy has that isn’t on another character that does it better.

Peter-O-Dactyl

The only Peter outside of Ice to have a freezing projectile. It doesn’t last long, and you might not get much off of it, but it’s a thing. Outclassed by the other reptile Peters, I think.

Peterguin

Not gonna lie, Peterguin is just Bird Peter but worse. No multple jumps, no multi-hit Dair, but at least isn’t complete agony to play.

Petier List (link)

Oh, go on, then… Just for fun, a vibes-based tier list. I’m looking forward to being proven wrong:

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1. To get you up to speed, here are the Pink Guys of Decades Past:
   2010s: Uhh… I’m sure there’s someone I’m forgetting….
   2000s: Patrick Star (Spongebob Squarepants)
   1990s: Kirby (Kirby)
   https://knowyourmeme.com/photos/2506925-minions ↩︎
2. We tend to think of class consciousness from the perspective of disempowered workers, but spare a thought for this power-hungry megalomaniac who’s very conscious of his class. And he likes it. ↩︎